


Rubber Band Heart

by howlingsaturn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up Talk, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Discovery, Temporary Break Up, the happy is there you just gotta look for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 16:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20138443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: Finding out about the deal Alec made with Asmodeus, doesn't change the fact that Alec broke his heart. Magnus doesn't think he can forgive that easily.





	Rubber Band Heart

**Author's Note:**

> jfyi: magnus doesn't need to go to edom in order to close the riff in 3x20 so the talk happens in alicante after the big fight. bear with me.

_ **“Yes, I now feel that it was then on that evening of sweet dreams—that the very first dawn of human love burst upon the icy night of my spirit. Since that period I have never seen nor heard your name without a shiver half of delight half of anxiety.”** _

**— Edgar Allan Poe**

* * *

_"Magnus, when exactly did you get your magic back?" _

_ "Oh god."_

Magnus should've known Asmodeus had a hand in all of this but he was too blinded by the pain of Alec leaving him. Alec hit a nerve, his icy words finding their way straight through Magnus' heart without so much as a warning, so he can't really blame himself for not seeing it coming.

Despite the anger and hurt he feels, he helps. He banishes the demons that attacked Alicante and makes sure to prevent any more from coming through. 

He's looking up at the sky when someone clears their throat behind him. 

"Magnus," Alec says, voice quiet and steps hesitant, "Can we talk?" 

Magnus turns on his side, looking at Alec with an expression Alec can't quite read. 

Magnus doesn't say anything, simply stares back at him, so Alec takes that as the go to keep going.

"I uh-- I wanted to explain myself. Why I did, what I did and --"

"I know," Magnus interrupts and Alec gapes at him. "I know about the deal you made with my father," Magnus explains, "that you did it to give me back my magic."

Alec nods, relief in his eyes. 

"So you understand?" Hope blossoms in his chest, thousands of little butterflies spreading their wings in his gut at the smile Magnus gives him. 

"Yes, I understand," Magnus says, and then his smile grows sad, the butterflies in Alec's stomach halting their gleeful movements.

"But despite how grateful I am for having my magic back, it doesn't change the fact that you broke my heart."

And just like that, the butterflies drop, the muscles in their wings giving out. 

"I know," Alec says, throat constricting painfully around the words, "I'm sorry. I just thought it was the right thing to do."

"You thought leaving me like that was gonna make it better? Breaking my heart when I was at my lowest was the right thing for you to do?" Magnus responds exasperated, anger growing inside of him. 

"No. I mean… yes. You made it clear that there was nothing I could do. I thought the only thing that could help you was getting your magic back. So that's what I did." 

"I told you before, it's not your job to make it better. I don't need to be saved either." Magnus' eyes are narrowed, his brows furrowed, and despite everything, Alec can't help but think about how much he loves him, how much he admires his passion and strength. He looks at him, anger dimming his beautiful features, and Alec can't help but think that he truly is a work of art. 

All he wanted for the rest of life was to make sure Magnus keeps shining.

"I couldn't just stand by and let it destroy you, Magnus. I couldn't."

"No," Magnus interrupts, voice unforgivingly hard. "You don't get it. It didn't matter how weak or upset I was about my magic, I just needed _you_." His voice breaks at the last word, bottom lip trembling. He draws in a shaky breath before he continues, quieter now. "_You_ made it bearable, _you_ helped me through the worst of it. I needed you by my side and then you fucking left."

"But your magic--," Alec holds his hand up, trying to reason with Magnus, but the look in his eyes is enough for Alec to stop his sentence.

"You didn't give me the time to heal and move on. I would've managed, at some point, but it seems like I'm always gonna be too much of a burden." Magnus feels his heart beat wildly in his chest, tugged into two different directions. He wants to pull Alec close, bury his face in his neck and breathe him in until he feels whole again but he also wants to put as much difference between them as possible, the close proximity making his skin crawl. 

"Magnus, no, that's not true." Alec says, eyes wide and frightened and the rubber band that squeezes Magnus' heart snaps. A sharp pain cuts through Magnus' body as he looks at Alec and he raises his hand to his chest, making sure his heart is still beating.

Alec looks like a deer caught in headlights, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, and Magnus feels an overwhelming urge to reach out and stop him from fidgeting. The thought makes Magnus feel cold all over. He can't do this. 

"Stop," Magnus throws his arms up in despair, tears of pain and frustration gathering in his eyes. "You don't get to tell me that. Not when your actions show the exact opposite. You left me, Alec. And that's not something I can forgive so easily."

Alec nods, shame and regret flashing in his eyes as he looks at Magnus. Craving his touch and comfort, Alec reaches out, giving Magnus enough space to pull away. Magnus watches Alec's movements and surprises himself when he doesn't shy away from Alec's touch. Maybe he needs it more than he'd like to admit. 

Carefully, Alec interlocks their fingers and rubs a soothing thumb across the back of Magnus' hand. Alec hopes it conveys what he couldn't put into words; how sorry he is and how much it pains him to see Magnus so upset. Judging by the small, gentle smile Magnus gives him, he understands. 

After all, Alec has never good with words, finding it easier to show his feelings through gestures. 

"So what does that mean for us?" He asks, even though he dreads Magnus' answer. 

Magnus sighs, exhausted. "I don't know, Alec. I guess we're done, for now, at least. I don't trust you anymore. I need... I think I need time away from you. I'm sorry."

"Don't-- Don't apologize, Magnus. I get it. I deserve it, I guess. It's just… I was hoping you wouldn't push me away."

Magnus drops his gaze, releasing a loud breath. 

"I just don't think I can be around you at the moment."

Alec nods as if in trance, gaze focused on their joined hands, furiously blinking away his tears. He feels Magnus' body tense and fears he's going to pull away. 

"Just.. tell me how to fix this," Alec whispers, fingers pressing into Magnus' wrist to stop him from turning away and Magnus knows he's crying.

"Please, I'd do anything..."

_ Kiss me_, Magnus thinks.

_Kiss me and remind me why I ever wanted to make you mine._

But Magnus shakes his head instead, wrapping his arms around himself in attempt to shield himself from the coldness that seeps into his body. 

If he wants to be able to allow Alec back in, he has to heal on its own first. Maybe then they can grow back together. For now, Magnus decides, he needs to take care of himself.

With his heart bleeding and eyes burning, he lets go of Alec's hand. 

He doesn't look back.

It's not until he's standing on his balcony, a glass of whiskey in his hand, that he remembers his phone beeping with a new message on his way home. He reaches into his pocket, the name flashing on the screen making his throat constrict painfully.

He takes a couple of calculated breaths before he opens the chat. 

_ [Alexander] _

_ I love you. I didn't get to say it earlier but I needed you to know. I messed up and I'm deeply sorry for that. I really hope you can forgive me, someday. But I understand that you need time and I'm willing to wait for you. For as long as you need. _

Despite the ache in his chest, the message makes Magnus smile. 

_ Thank you_, he types back, _ I love you too. I'm sorry it's not enough. _

Alec's response is immediate. 

_ It's more than enough, Magnus. _

Hope simmers in his gut. The promise of Alec waiting for him keeps Magnus going, gives him a reason to fight his insecurities, a will to mend his broken heart back together so they can be whole again.

He'll be okay with time, and he knows that they will be too.

At the end of the day, they always find their way back to each other. 


End file.
